everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
it's like heaven, but drunker
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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