I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Couch. On fire.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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