Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
