I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize