I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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