what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Randomize
