Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
