If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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