I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
