it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
