A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
