Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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