I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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