Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
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