Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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