I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
