I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
