i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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