Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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