youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
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