and next time when you feel me up, do it right
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
