Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
