im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
