Swine flu is the new snow day.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
