We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
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