i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
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Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
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