Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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