The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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