I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
