every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
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