Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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