The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
