New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
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