im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
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