i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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