very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
