Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
