WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Randomize
