I can't breathe out the right side of my face
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
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