12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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