She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
