did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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