um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
