we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Randomize
