I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
