well I can't set my house on fire every night
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
