i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
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