Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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