Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
