Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
