when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
