please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
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