If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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