I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
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