So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Is Jonathan Taylor Thomas a gay? I need you to google search it for me. Its important
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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