Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
