Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
