My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
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The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I want to be your penis for a week.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
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Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
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