they need to just BURY HIM!
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
